Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Superman ya Batman

Superman, originally from Krypton, was found as a baby in Kansas. That makes him as American as KFC I guess. Batman is from Gotham which the Americans want as their own much like they want Iraq and Basmati rice.
Superman is a fashion disaster. As Superman he wears a blue bodysuit with red underwear and an S emblazoned on his chest like we would not recognise him otherwise. In his day job as Clark Kent, he dresses even worse, boring outsized spectacles and pensioner suits.
Batman is dapper, both in his Dark Knight working clothes and his Bruce Wayne suits. He is also the only super hero to coordinate the colour of his underwear with the rest of his outfit. Superman's alter ego Kent is a timid reporter with a steady girl Lois Lane and a boring life. Wayne is rich, single and fun.
But where Superman scores bigtime is transport. The man can fly. He just needs to stretch one hand forward and it's a standing take-off. Batty boy has a black Lambhorgini he calls Batmobile and it has cool stuff like an intimidate button, but he can't fly. Well, he can with cables and hooks but not London-New York like Superman.
Batman has no super powers. His powers have been acquired by hard work and money, mostly money. He is a bit like James Bond but doesn't drink vodka. Come to think of it neither does Bond now. Superman is all super power since he has no money to buy power and they don't accept Krypton cards anywhere. So, when they say superman "is faster than speeding bullet" it's natural ability dude. Take his blood test if you don't believe me, he is clean.
And finally, Superman's adversaries are largely boring. Batman battles a galaxy of big ticket villains including Jack Nicholson, Heath Ledger and Jim Carey. But then he hangs out with super gay Robin. Why.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Mithunda ya Govinda

Duh! Mithun, is da man. The Bengali James Bond of Wardat and Suraksha who grew up to become Brown Travolta. He was the man all right ... flared trousers, flared nostrils and a complete hotstepper. With fellow Bengali jeweller Bappida, Mithun ruled the dance floor in strobe-bright flicks like Disco Dancer, Dance Dance and Disco Dance Dance.
If Mithun was the poor man's Travolta, Govinda was poor man's Mithun. They didn't give him a dancefloor, so he danced on the streets in a movie called Ilzaam. Yes sir, if Mithun sang "I am a disco dancer", Govinda said "I am a street dancer." Govinda, govinda.
Like I said earlier, before disco, Mithun was Bond. And before Bond, he won a National Award for Mrigaya. Da man can act, I tell you. Just to prove me right, he won the Award again in Swami Vivekanand. Da man is an achiever.
So, what did Govinda achieve since Ilzaam other than three chins? To be fair, he tried. If Mithun was Travolta, he wanted to be Swayze. But his dancing was far too vulgar to be be just dirty. With Karishma Kapoor, Govinda invented a dance form that was a cross between epilepsy and pornography. In between, he got fat and Karishma got married. Game over.
Mithunda is still a force to be reckoned with, you have to see Guru to believe me. Da man is acting his age finally and doing a fine job of it. Govinda is back too, but this time he has swapped Karishma for Salman. You got to see Partner to believe me.
And so Mithunda or Govinda? Go figure da.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

vada pav ya burger

A good vada is a fusion of nature's best ... potatoes, green chillies, garlic, secret spices and some honest human sweat. It's deep fried on high heat and extremely skillfuly placed in an exotic form of bread called the pav. The pav itself is delicately greased with a green chutney made of secret herbs grown on railway tracks (using nature's finest manure).
The burger is a piece of meat in a slice of bun with some icky white stuff and some red stuff and some mustard stuff and some random leaves. A good burger is one that doesn't fit into your mouth as easily as your shoe.
Vada pav is 100 per cent vegetarian except for some flies that may be stuck to the green chutney. These flies are traditionally good digestives. The burger in its purest form moos. You have vegetarian burgers but that's like fully dressed Mallika Sherawat, not quite the real thing.
Burgers are best washed down with Cola (they don't pay me enough to mention brands here). Vada pav can be washed down with anything including Mumbai's choicest germs.
Burgers are responsible for America's biggest problem -- over eating. Vada pav keeps half of Mumbai from starving.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Whisky ya Rum

Whisky is called the water of life in Ireland. It's called Bhisky in Bihar and passed off as audio CDs on television. Whisky, like a woman, is many things. There are malts, grains, single malts, blends, vatted malts.
Rum, on the other hand, is just one thing. It's designed to make you walk through glass or brick walls. Unlike whisky, it has no lineage, rum was drunk by pirates of the high seas and slave traders in Africa.
Good whisky drinkers have rules. They never mix it with water, ice or any other impure substances. Rum mixes with anything, especially more rum. Good whiskey is to be consumed in fine crystal glasses. Rum can be had straight from the bottle, or from the floor.
You roll your tongue around good whisky, absorb its flavours, and then roll your eyes in ecstasy. After a good rum, you roll out of the gutter, curl yourself into a ball, and have someone roll you down the road.
Whisky is aged in special oaken casks, Rum is aged best in your stomach.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Shah Rukh ya Aamir

Aamir prides himself on being a method actor but Shah Rukh is the real method actor ... he has one method ... the ham-and-stammer method.
Shah Rukh does everything Amitabh does except Rekha. Aamir does everything that Amitabh and Shah Rukh do not, including not having a haircut for years.
Aamir has a new look for every movie, Shah Rukh releases the same movie under different names ... it's sometimes called DDLJ and and at other times KKHH.
Shah Rukh stalked kkkkkiran to Switzerland and back but Aamir got to marry Kiran. Shah Rukh got Karan.

Chai ya Coffee

Methinks chai is limiting. Coffee is a bit like George Bush, different people call it different names and they aren't always nice. In Chennai it's kapi, in Trivandrum it's coughi and in Andheri it is Nescoffee. In the UN it used to be Kofi Anan.

Chai is pretty much the same, though the la di da now gives it names like chamomile after some dumb herb. People who find it difficult to pronounce four letters together call it cha. People who went to school, call it tea. That's the best chai gets.

Coffee is versatile. Snooty hotels have coffee shops which sell coffee. Chai shops sell cigarettes. And have you ever heard of a Cafe Tea Day.

You have coffee tables and even coffee table books. The best that chai has managed is a little teaspoon. Duh!

Bappi ya Himesh

Bappi digs gold, Himesh digs his nose on TV. Bappi has 40 chins, Himesh has 40,000 caps. Bappi buys sona by the tola, Himesh buys hair. Bappi sings with his shades on, Himesh with his nose. Bappi da is Bengal's Elvis, Himesh Bhai is Gujarat's Bappi.
Bappi has a son Bappa. Tumhare paas kya hain Himesh?

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