Tuesday, July 22, 2008

vada pav ya burger

A good vada is a fusion of nature's best ... potatoes, green chillies, garlic, secret spices and some honest human sweat. It's deep fried on high heat and extremely skillfuly placed in an exotic form of bread called the pav. The pav itself is delicately greased with a green chutney made of secret herbs grown on railway tracks (using nature's finest manure).
The burger is a piece of meat in a slice of bun with some icky white stuff and some red stuff and some mustard stuff and some random leaves. A good burger is one that doesn't fit into your mouth as easily as your shoe.
Vada pav is 100 per cent vegetarian except for some flies that may be stuck to the green chutney. These flies are traditionally good digestives. The burger in its purest form moos. You have vegetarian burgers but that's like fully dressed Mallika Sherawat, not quite the real thing.
Burgers are best washed down with Cola (they don't pay me enough to mention brands here). Vada pav can be washed down with anything including Mumbai's choicest germs.
Burgers are responsible for America's biggest problem -- over eating. Vada pav keeps half of Mumbai from starving.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Whisky ya Rum

Whisky is called the water of life in Ireland. It's called Bhisky in Bihar and passed off as audio CDs on television. Whisky, like a woman, is many things. There are malts, grains, single malts, blends, vatted malts.
Rum, on the other hand, is just one thing. It's designed to make you walk through glass or brick walls. Unlike whisky, it has no lineage, rum was drunk by pirates of the high seas and slave traders in Africa.
Good whisky drinkers have rules. They never mix it with water, ice or any other impure substances. Rum mixes with anything, especially more rum. Good whiskey is to be consumed in fine crystal glasses. Rum can be had straight from the bottle, or from the floor.
You roll your tongue around good whisky, absorb its flavours, and then roll your eyes in ecstasy. After a good rum, you roll out of the gutter, curl yourself into a ball, and have someone roll you down the road.
Whisky is aged in special oaken casks, Rum is aged best in your stomach.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Shah Rukh ya Aamir

Aamir prides himself on being a method actor but Shah Rukh is the real method actor ... he has one method ... the ham-and-stammer method.
Shah Rukh does everything Amitabh does except Rekha. Aamir does everything that Amitabh and Shah Rukh do not, including not having a haircut for years.
Aamir has a new look for every movie, Shah Rukh releases the same movie under different names ... it's sometimes called DDLJ and and at other times KKHH.
Shah Rukh stalked kkkkkiran to Switzerland and back but Aamir got to marry Kiran. Shah Rukh got Karan.

Chai ya Coffee

Methinks chai is limiting. Coffee is a bit like George Bush, different people call it different names and they aren't always nice. In Chennai it's kapi, in Trivandrum it's coughi and in Andheri it is Nescoffee. In the UN it used to be Kofi Anan.

Chai is pretty much the same, though the la di da now gives it names like chamomile after some dumb herb. People who find it difficult to pronounce four letters together call it cha. People who went to school, call it tea. That's the best chai gets.

Coffee is versatile. Snooty hotels have coffee shops which sell coffee. Chai shops sell cigarettes. And have you ever heard of a Cafe Tea Day.

You have coffee tables and even coffee table books. The best that chai has managed is a little teaspoon. Duh!

Bappi ya Himesh

Bappi digs gold, Himesh digs his nose on TV. Bappi has 40 chins, Himesh has 40,000 caps. Bappi buys sona by the tola, Himesh buys hair. Bappi sings with his shades on, Himesh with his nose. Bappi da is Bengal's Elvis, Himesh Bhai is Gujarat's Bappi.
Bappi has a son Bappa. Tumhare paas kya hain Himesh?

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Mumbai ya Bangalore

Mumbai is the city of dreams if you can find the time to sleep. Bangalore is a city of dreamers, they usually do it on their two wheelers in peak traffic.

Mumbai's strengths are well chronicled. You have a selection of heroes to emulate depending on your skill sets. Dawood Ibrahim, if you like RGV films; Dhirubhai, if you like Guru; Sachin Tendulkar, if you like Boost; Mallika Sherawat, if you don't like clothes; Raj Thackeray, if you like Biharis; or Amitabh Bachchan, if you like Raj Thackeray.

Bangalore has Infosyians. And Royal Challengers, which they are trying to gift to Tamil Nadu in exchange for some Cauvery water.

Mumbai is big, dirty and smells of sewerage. It hosts Asia's biggest slum and has the most crowded roads in the world. Bangalore is small, dirty and smells of beer. It has Cubbon Park, Lal Bagh and no roads.

Bangalore has great weather through the year and no electricity. Mumbai has India's best power infrastructure and bad weather through the year.

Mumbai never sleeps, Bangalore is largely asleep. Mumbai has Chattrapati Shivaji Terminus for trains, Chattrapati Shivaji Airport for airplanes and Chattrapati Shivaji statues for the rest. Bangalore has Sivaji, the Boss. Sorry, that was Chennai.

Mumbai has the sea. Bangalore has C++.

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